I need to know what happened. I masturbated a lot as a child and as a teen. We would sext and he would ask for pictures and then things really changed when I finally got to highschool and he was a senior. The main thing is to think of your own self care and what you can and cant handle, and to find support to help you. Im 27 now. What you have to focus on is getting help for symptoms, over obsessing on what did/didnt happen, much as the brain wants to obsess. But I remember, at 12 years old, being petrified that he would rape me, while not even really understanding what rape meant. All the best, HT. Nobody seems to know how to help me. If not, is there a counsellor at school youd be comfortable talking to? An abusive childhood leaves many of us with a sort of long-term PTSD, where we constantly feel jumpy, afraid, and paranoid. But I mean idk. Thanks. Because he is my dad and he lives here and we seem to have a normal relationship now. But it can happen. I have other memories of him pushing his foot or hand into my crotch on other occasions. It will take time. But then not a long time ago I got mad at my dad for some reason. It must have been really hard to hear your mother tell you something so shocking about your father as well, that alone must have been traumatic. 10. As a therapy company we could also not make any judgement calls about if someone was or wasnt abused without knowing them really well and working with them, we cant go on just a few comments. My parents sent me to therapy after finding my drawings and when either the therepists or my parents asked me why I drew these things I would reply I Dont know and really didnt know why my mind was a complete blank and I still to this day have no earthly idea of why I drew those things when I honestly had no knowledge of anything dipicted in those drawings. Im 23 now and I have very very few memories of my childhood and anything below the age of 12. We would actually recommend some sessions with a therapist or counsellor trained in abuse counselling. I am 65 years old, a mental health professional and had a wonderful 37 years with my beautiful husband until he passed away. That we have symptoms that are upsetting us and making life hard. Best, HT, Hi, Ive just been reading some of the comments and I feel I share some common feelings amongst others. I have huge memory gaps of my childhood. Most of my childhood Is kinda of a blur but I remember being sexually abuse by my own cousin as a child and most of the time I though it was a game I guess I didnt know any better. There are also support groups, and there are are many self help books and websites, but a one-on-one counsellor is the ideal If you are on a super low budget, take a look at our article on low cost counselling to give you some ideas on where to find it http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. I really feel Im not gonna be able to move on in life until I release memories and continue going to counceling and work out my issues. A few years ago I was a little drunk, talking to one of my friends and I told her that I thought Id been molested by my uncle in my grandmothers basement. I think Ive been sexually abused as a young child but Im not so certain because my memory is not all there. Sexual abuse can cause long-term issues in your behaviours, relationships, and sex life, as well as in the ways you treat yourself. Medication pauses the symptoms, anxiety and depression, and is wonderful for helping us cope, but to change the roots of the problem talk therapy is recommended. I hid from my half sister for a while, scared to be alone with her. I would have bouts of depression and anxiety now suffer with more anxiety also with depression. /early twenties and that I always thought people would find me disgusting if they really knew me. Hi, i remember being 11 years old when this happened but before i remember that my mother and him had an argument in which he yelled at me that i wasnt his daughter.. like he didnt care how i felt about it a couple months after my mother was at work n my brothers were in their room playing a video game n he was watching a action movie a Jean Claude Van Damme one . For example, I think I might be addicted to porn but after I watch it I feel so guilty and gross, but while I watch it I have this mindset of its happening to me, and I deserve it and I need to please them, that I should do everything to please a man. You have experienced trauma. Is it possible that Ive been abused and not remember? Im lost honestly and I dont know what to do. Trauma is too powerful. It is not in any way your fault. I dont know whether that memory has any relevance. Penetration is not at all the only form of abuse (read our other article on new definitions of sexual abuse). Children are total sponges. Recently, my mom told me how my dad was molested and how he tried to rape her twice. Ive been diagnosed with anxiety and serious depression. Raise this subject with your therapist and talk it through. Find a counsellor or therapist you feel comfortable around and work through this. Might she be open to help you with that? It really does help. here is nothing crazy about any of this. Although, Im unsure if this even happened. If something happened to me, there would be nobody who would care or want to know or could possibly help as I simply do not have anybody. In any case, many therapists, the large majority, now work over the internet. Her words: My daddy takes a shower and then puts his pee pee in my mouth, and it taste bad.. Also i would like to add that i have a healthy relationship with my boyfriend. I started liking boys at a really young age. Victims of sexual abuse often do not remember the experience. Now, I have a lot of the long term affects and (I dont know if this is says anything or not) but get super uncomfortable in rape scenes in cop shows (even though they dont show anything or doesnt get that far). 13. We also feel very worried about the fact he was telling you to go to sleep, and that your mother seemed to know something was going on, as its very rare that offenders offend only once. You might also find our article on how to talk to your parents about mental health and getting help a useful read bit.ly/talktoparents. It was not a good feeling at all. Its never about knowing what exactly happened. This . Try to take life one day at a time and try to notice what things are also going right with each day that comes, no matter how small those things are. Direct and Indirect Speech Quiz: Test Your English Grammar Skills! And he forced me to do but I didnt . So instead you have trust issues. I have dealt with a lot of insecurities and self hate issues, and have had suicidal tendencies as well. can you give an opinion. As we say in all the other comments, unless we have a time machine we cant know. I remember moving away so that He wouldnt think I still liked him, he pulled me close to him and hugged me, I thought this meant he liked me back. I cannot talk to my family about this. Each person processes trauma in their own unique way. Is there a counsellor at school? Thank you! This can look like: Healthy relationships tend to be very challenging if you experienced sexual abuse as a child. As for whether or not you were abused, we cant tell you. There is an extremely high chance you suffered trauma or traumas to be at this point at the young age of 19. We really believe with the right support you could start to feel worthy, liked, and able to trust again. Feeling disconnected from the body or always wanting to be clean can be the result of a childhood that was so out of control, for example, that the body becomes the only thing we can control, for example. I went ahead and did it because I had no clue of what any of this was so I would just go ahead with it. He did force me to kiss him though and it really made me uncomfortable. We cant say what happened to you re sexual abuse. Now that Im an adult, Im understanding in more depth the abusive things she used to do to me, and how that affected me until today. Heres the thing. I used to get recurring dreams of a man chasing me and I lose my voice when I cry for help in those dreams. Ive found therapy to be a so horrifically unsafe experience that Im afraid going back will cause me to completely fall apart again. Do you have trouble showing affection towards others? As for the rape, we unfortunately cant diagnose anyone based on a comment, for starters. I cant go to a psychologist because my mother wont take me if i asked she would just start to ask questions and id have to tell her and I dont trust the school counselor enough since im new at that school. My mom would still let me stay the night and the molesting would happen again and again and again. It was like a huge sting of shame that swept over me from it and I have probably thought about it almost every day since. Recently an event happened that triggered a lot of flashbacks to happen to me these flashbacks were of various traumatic events that have happened throughout my life, but Ive also been getting a lot of flashbacks to being raped and sexually assaulted the thing is, I dont have any memory of anything like this having happened to me. We dont have an easy answeras the article talks about, unless we had a time machine, many of us never know what did and didnt happen. It sounds like you didnt feel safe growing up and your boundaries were not respected. Whether I did it out of curiosity or what I dont know. But so too do many other traumas happen. Seph, no, its not necessary to find out the source of your trauma, and in most cases, barring a time machine, its not possible. Its actually very common for children to experiment a little with each other. With your trust issues dont expect to trust or like a counsellor off the bat. Im worried that I may have been abused by my dad. Im very sexual and really enjoy sex if it is taboo either the acts or the people. I feel like Im going crazy. In another instance I was with a female friend and we watched a film with erotic scenes in it, and we were touching eachother under the covers. And you say so much therapy. You can also look on forums to see how other people are managing, find a local support group, and/or read self-help books on dealing with sexual abuse. I would play rough with the boys in my class in hopes that they would touch me so I could feel satisfied. Try our sister site of UK-wide therapy listings, where you can find an affordable therapist or online counsellor based on unbiased reviews. 5. Neglect, a stressful experience, a family member dying, moving, parents divorcing, there are many things a childs brain can process as hugely traumatic that can lead to OCD, urinary tract infections, and hair pulling. When I smell perfume or really close with people around me even just 1 person. What we do know, reading this comment, is that you are unhappy, you are suffering, and whether that comes from just these experiences or is more complex and involves other things, this is more than enough to make therapy a good idea. Have had 4 therapists. We wish you courage. Although I have identified myself as heterosexual all my life I have had homosexual fantasies since a teen ager. Note there are other modalities some people recommend for trauma that are not about talking somatic therapy hypnotherapy, neurofeedback, BWRT. I am socially detached and dont know how To cope with these issues because I worked so hard looking for forgiveness and acceptance that i Barely gave myself time to realize that I was molested and that it wasnt me who was the issue. Im terrified of the thought of doing it and I wish I understood it. We are sorry you had the experience of reaching out to a family member and feeling let down. Carina, it is totally understandable if you were abused as a child that you are terrified about your daughters being hurt. And we also, sadly, have to accept that for many of us, well never know exactly what happened to us, unless someone designs a time machine. BOLDstatements you remember experiencing, even if it wasnt from a parent. Hi there. Thank you. Before my dad came down the stairs, my mom did say we will talk about this later when were alone. In between relationships I would have drunken sex with people. But Im still not sure if its true. The therapist will use a technique called reparenting where they are warmer and more connected than a usual therapist so you can learn to trust someone. Another thing ive since realized is I have a legitament fear of people touching my stomach. A counsellor can help you to identify your feelings and learn ways to manage them. They would also make innuendos as I grew older. If not, do you have the budget to hire a counsellor? The definition of child abuse these days doesnt even need to involve touch, non contact abuse includes things like talking to children about sex or showing them images. also im sorry i know that this is all over the place but that how the night feels to me, i feel like im putting together a puzzle when i dont have all the pieces. And we are sorry that you dont feel that your family cares enough to notice and take care of you. My question is what , if any, are the physical (gynochological) signs that someone has been abused at a young age. Even many small countries now have charities and hotlines set up to help women who have been abused. I hardly remember anything from my childhood up until age 10, but I have this memory of my uncle playing with me and tickling my thighs. Finally, we know it can feel weird to talk about it at first, as if its somehow your fault, or like you are bad that it happened to you. If you were very angry at your father and very confused by the divorce and he then tries to get close to you emotionally and tells you he loves you, your brain could have registered that as a trauma and then erased the memories around it.It might have been very upsetting or confusing for you. All these issues are more than worth discussing with a counsellor, which we would highly, highly advise. Thanks. Sounds like you are going through a lot. And then reach out for some support wherever you can find it. Sex is not very pleasurable for me. Again, such examples can both result in the same long-term symptoms as other forms of sexual abuse. So focus on working with that therapist to do what it takes to manage better here and now and raise your self-esteem so you dont find yourself in anther abusive relationship. I was thinking about trying hypnotherapy. I was around 7 when I was playing with my best friend and neighbour Richard, who was a year younger than me. Best, HT. Only recently have I remembered this and realised he was probably committing his crime at that point. Seems like you are not giving him any credit here, nor yourself, as would you really have married someone that terrible? What if you just said, out loud, right now, I do not forgive him I hate him. How true does it actually feel? And just to say its okay to feel angry and confused and to also still love him. Getting back to what happened, one doctor of my mothers had asked her if I was abused that way. Ive been in therapy and it helped about 15 years ago I had a bad time couldnt stop thinking about certain memories felt experiences in my body which caused me a lot of distress but I have no visual memory just things like being on a water bed some one on top of me or behind me touching me. Shame is a very powerful emotion that keeps us stuck feeling we have no worth. Silas, as youll see in other comments, unless we develop time machines we can never know what happened. These sorts of issues are not life sentences if we dont let them be, therapy can go a very long way in helping you find your self esteem again and separate these horrible narratives controlling your mind, relationships, and life from the person you really are. Often times my dad shared a bed with me and I remeber very clearly the beginning but not so much the end. I remember about 5-6 of them. As for seeing body parts as a child, many children see their parents naked at some point, bodies themselves are not bad or dangerous, but it of course depends on the situation that you were in, did your mother not explain that clearly? Anyway, if youve read this far, thank you for at least reading this. Is there a family member you trust? In the possible memory, my cousin who would have been around 14 at the time, asked me if I wanted to play a really cool game. Best, HT. but this article sheds light on something I didnt think was real, so thank you all for that. Abuse also throws you into victim mode. Jenny, it sounds like you are really suffering here. Could you tell your mum that you feel depressed and want to see counsellor without getting into details? We cant make a judgement call as wed need way way more information, so best to look at this with a counsellor, but he sounds immature and messed up. I have not told anyone and do not feel safe writing it down onto paper for fear someone will read it. My partner was surprised when I told him I was wondering if the abuse had been physical and penetrative; he had assumed it was from the start, because of how I am..which was curious to me. But after some time I never saw him again. Ive tried suicide before but since I grew up with a fervent Christian background, Im scared Im going to go to hell if I killed my self. And someone else talking about trauma would trigger your fight/flight stress response, complete with lots of fear, it doesnt necessarily mean you shared the same experience as your friend, just that your body is wired to panic when it hears of trauma. We would highly recommend, if you can, seeking some support. I just cant deal with reality. I guess in some ways Im really just textbook, fear of intimacy etc. This is a very clear memory and i never see it any different. He did everything in his power to show me his love but I would always push him away, I felt like i did not deserve for someone to love me because I couldnt perform sexually or emotionally. Otherwise, there is the option of the school counsellor which, however, can seem intimidating. I didnt know what happened next but all I can remember is that I never went to his house to play again and I never see him again when I play outside. We cant let obsessing over the details stop us from dealing with the symptom and seeking support. But it did bother me a bit when I think about it. Yes, it was something that made you uncomfortable, and it was not a great thing for him to do, and we are sorry you experienced it. I wet the bed until I was about 10 years old. Hi Toni, if traumatic thoughts are rising up its because they need to be dealt with, not pushed to a bottom. Hi there, sorry to hear all this. Best, HT. Best, HT. Im terrified of him and seeing him makes me want to throw up. Its human nature to want to know but unless someone creates a time machine mostly we have to accept we never will. The anger you feel might seem to be about Christianity, and perhaps part of it is (Christianity can make it feel like we can never reach our parents, which can add to any repressed childhood feeling that we were abandoned by them when we needed them). I dont know if I can tell anyone else either because they might hate me, or not believe me, or tell that person. I am so hurt and confused by this memory.. Boys in high school would be doing things I always said no but they never listened. Also, the other thing that i clearly remember is i used to have a lot of urine infections as a child. On a good note, we can tell you that your symptoms are highly treatable, and a good counsellor or psychotherapist could help you manage them and feel more confident. I was never sure he liked me and thought that the only way I could show him that I loved him was through sex, even when I did not want to. Youll find that we always say the same thing unless someone invents a time machine, there is no way to know. But it is not a form of abuse. I was so disturbed by them, I couldnt look at her and I didnt want to be in the same room or let her hug me or anything. Im a very sexual person, Ive masturbated daily since I was like 11 or 12. I feel the grime from the nightmares crawl down my spine for days after and they always feel very real. I do also have the illness called paranoia schizophrenia. Im 14 and I think I was molested when I was little. I am pretty much estranged from my immediate family, mother, father, sister, as I find I am treated like the crazy person who found our home life perverse, it was,while they were fine, theyre not. Wed put a quick mention of schema therapy in here- it focuses heavily on creating trust and safety in the therapist/client relationship. So you might want to start by identifying and working to change core beliefs. Do you think its worth bringing up to my therapist? I think it happened around age six because of the personality flip I had. Best, HT. I also have a really hard time sleeping and if I hear the littlest noise I get so freaked out. I tried to forget that moment, but now, after so many years it is haunting me. But my take on my childhood home is that it was completely loveless. All the best. And if you are in the USA or UK and have a crisis, the Good Samaritans operates free hotlines in both countries. If this happens, it counts as sexual harassment. i talked to my boyfriend about my connections i made today with everything. We are sorry to hear you are feeling so anxious. My mind immediately went back to a man I used to study acting with. It makes me feel sick to my stomach Why had I done it? around this time i started getting extreme bladder infections, and gaining weight. Many of us never know what exactly happened to us, the mind has a way of getting rid of memories to protect us and unless someone invents a time machine we are left only being able to recognise and deal with symptoms, such as anxiety, depression, sexual issues, eating disorders, dissociation, etc. She came into my room with a pack of towels and told me i can have these but then i need to buy my own. I truly feel for anyone who was abused. Hi Paige, its hard if we think we have been abused but we just dont know. When he would stay the night, he would sneak into my room and do things that made me feel as if he started falling for me. Sexual encounters I can have lustful thoughts but after finishing I have a sense of being ashamed with what I did. I remember looking, close up, at an old womans vagina. In my experience, because I was initially diagnosed with anxiety and paranoia issues (in part because I was making crazy accusations), my discussions of abuse have been downplayed or even dismissed as a result of my mental illness. I feel ashamed and this is actually the first time I ever share this. As for having multiple symptoms listed in the article, many of these symptoms will be the same from different sorts of trauma, not just abuse. I have so many clues and symptoms of child abuse though even more than are listed above. First of all, look into low cost counselling, of which a lot is available bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Hope that helps. Yes B. I initiated the game in his shed. We would advise again you call a free hotline. Your babysitter took advantage of you and committed a crime. This blog is the project of Harley Therapy - Psychotherapy & Counselling. Do my bad experience when I was 5 have any effect on me now without me knowing? Take actions that keep you safe and help you feel better. Im not deciding to tell anyone, but even if I tell my mom in the future, Im not sure shell believe me since they always thought of that man very highly. What becomes important here is not obsessing on over whether you were or werent abused, which changes nothing, as we cannot know the past. A lot of it was because of my teacher, he was very emotionally abusive to me. Instead I got endless attempts at CBT and confusion as to why I found it so difficult. Anything that makes you feel physically sick is important to process, and preferably with professional support. Something in my brain makes me think something else happened. At the very least call the confidential hotline of the charity we directed you towards? Read our article for ideas on finding a low cost therapist here bit.ly/lowcosttherapy . Hi Magali, have a read through the comment stream. It also triggers any of their own unresolved issues. I somehow started drawing porn before I even found or knew what porn was HI Im Carina and I was abused when I was a child the time past and Im married with two kids. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety and feel really alone. Eventually my mom and sometimes even my aunt would catch us doing these things and tell us how bad it was but never did they take real actions to make It stop. If you are in the UK, there are also several free helplines that you can call and very nice people on the other side who are happy to listen. It mostly bothers me with his situation, though, since my mom found out and he said to her when it happened that I wanted to see him exposing himself. If you're not sure whether you're being sexually harassed, ask yourself these questions. I have always been atttacted to calm nerdy guys. its always been a clear little memory of mine. Make sure to reach out for help and support. Is it a possibility something happened that night I dont remember? Sexual abuse is a touchy subject for many to speak on and is often avoided or dismissed when brought up. It also is complicated by the fact that actual penetration doesn't have to occur. The problem is that now they are adults, their lives are up to them. I remember my vagina would burn whenever I got home from somewhere (I cant remember where) and when my mom would check it, it would be red. If its hard for you to get out nowadays you can also do counselling at home over skype. But they unfortunately can also, particularly if they were abused themselves, then act out abuse on other kids, on purpose. There was also a time when my mom brought up some other girl who was in my grade saying that the kid who did something to me did something to her and my mom called her a little liar so I have never told my mom. He doesnt even talk to me about PTSD. How do you stop feeling like you need it to relax? I dont know if what I experienced was abuse or adolescent stupidity, but if it was abuse, I dont know how to get past it while having this experience remain completely anonymous to people I know. This can be perfectly healthy and normal. Take our "Was I Sexually Assaulted Quiz" to really understand what is going on. They seem to be increasing and I dont know why. Wed highly advise you seek professional support over this, as its clear you are unhappy and anxious and suffering low self-esteem.
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